I don’t post a lot on Substack, but when I do it’s typically complaining about men. Posts like The Audacity of Men and Sorry, Men, But Your Loneliness Isn’t The Crisis You Think It Is are pretty obvious musings about how men are really letting us down and trying to whine their way into trying to get everyone to feel sorry for them slowly losing their oppressive power.
I’m obviously not a fan of men in general and most men I’ve met, worked with, and been in relationships with have been less than stellar and mostly toxic. I am pretty jealous of the powerful women that have decided to live their lives for themselves and ending the cycle of man pleasing that has been forced onto us for generations. And although I use examples from my life and how my husband still has some of the patriarchal and toxic masculine behaviors that have been ingrained into men for generations, he is one of the good ones. The last 20 years hasn’t been especially easy for either one of us but we continue to grow together and we’re changing those toxic social requirements together.
My husband is a man who listens to my rants about dismantling the patriarchy and reinstating a matriarchy of caring and community. He doesn’t just hear me, he listens for understanding and instead of saying something stupid like “not all men”, he agrees; men suck. But we both know that in order to challenge patriarchal views, men need to stand up and educate other men about the ramifications of upholding such an oppressive and toxic system.
One of the changes that men can make right now that would go a long way to creating more inclusive and safe environments is to listen and read about what we have to say, process it, make change, and tell other men to do the same. Follow the women who are putting themselves out their to share their experiences with men in the hopes that maybe just one man will be inspired enough to reflect on his behavior and do better.
What us women writers don't need is men following us and sending us “How are you?” DMs. We don’t need men reading about the daily challenges of living as a women and then dismissing all of that and sending messages reminiscent of Joey Tribbiani from Friends and his creepy “How you doin’?” that was never funny. Women are tired of only being seen as prizes to be won instead of being listened to.
I wish I had the patience and creative humor to deal with unsolicited messages from men like Brooke Teegarden. I have almost peed myself laughing at Brooke’s responses to the audacity of men who, in all actuality, are just trying to get laid. Even the men whose profiles appear progressive, a quick look at who they are following will show you that they are exclusively following women. This has been the case every time I have received a new follow and DM from a man.
It’s weird and it’s gross to exclusively follow women and send unsolicited DMs to those women. The women writers I know aren’t on this platform to get men. They are on the platform to write, to share their thoughts and feelings, to share their stories and life experiences. WE ARE NOT HERE TO PICK UP MEN!
So if you’re a man, read the post, practice a little introspection, and leave us the fuck alone! Also, if you’re a man who reads a post from a women who says she’s been married (and is still married) for 20 years, slipping into her DMs with a Joey Tribbiani style “How you doin’?” will get you nowhere but blocked. Seriously, guys. Do better
.